Happy Birthday, Buchou
by fireylight
Summary: To Tezuka's mortification, the Regulars go out of their way to make his birthday a success... except when things go awry, and his own Boy Parts are endangered.


**Happy Birthday, Buchou**

Tezuka Kunimitsu pulled himself out of bed, feeling slightly groggy. Forcing his legs to pull out of the warm cocoon of his blankets, he suppressed a wince as his feet came into contact with the cold floor. Damn the weather.  
  
Shuffling in a sleepy haze into the bathroom, the captain of Seigaku turned the tap water heat to the maximum and was promptly assaulted in the face by steam. He suppressed a yawn and carefully rested his glasses on the bridge of his nose, waiting patiently for the smoke to clear from the frosted mirror. When it did, however, he could only stare blankly at his reflection, as the sound of gushing water filled the small bathroom.  
  
Something seemed different. It was either that or he had forgotten something important. Something that he wasn't supposed to forget. _If only he could remember what it was... If only... What was it now..._ His thoughts were cut off as he felt something wet... and scalding soak his boxers.  
  
_Right. To turn off the tap._  
  
---  
  
Tezuka had somehow managed to extricate himself from that... _delicate_ situation, and continued about his usual morning activities with few hiccups. Except for the fact that he was walking a bit oddly, all else was normal.  
  
_It's going to be a good day_, he told himself firmly. _Training will be productive, I'll be able to give Momoshiro some advice on his new move, and arrange the match lineups with the Coach...  
_  
Absorbed in his thoughts, he barely noticed the abnormal silence hung that over the courts as he turned the corner. He was blissfully oblivious as he stepped into the clubhouse –  
  
Only to be showered by multicolored confetti and blasted in the face with party blowers.  
  
Yup, it was going to be a great day.  
  
---  
  
"Did you see his face nyaa? Priceless!" Kikumaru Eiji laughed delightedly, waving a camera in his hand with glee. He flashed his Buchou a mischievous grin as he slung his other arm over Oishi's shoulder, who was smiling as well.  
  
"Happy birthday, Tezuka." Oishi's eyes were filled with sincere warmth as he regarded the captain in front of him. Murmurs of birthday wishes followed, and Tezuka finally realized that practically the entire tennis team had bothered to squeeze into the clubhouse just to surprise him. Even Ryoma, who had somehow managed to snag enough room for himself to lean coolly against the wall, had the corners of his lips quirked up in what looked more like his usual smirk than anything else.  
  
He blinked, looking at the pairs of expectant eyes before him. "Tha -"  
  
"Ne, Tezuka." Fuji stepped forward, the usual smile on his face as he moved entirely too close to Tezuka for the latter's comfort.  
  
Tezuka eyed him warily.  
  
Fuji's mouth was almost at his ear. "You have confetti in stuck in your hair."  
  
A snicker from Kikumaru's direction was enough to break his resolve. A vein popped on Tezuka's forehead.  
  
"TWENTY LAPS! NOW!" _God, that felt good.  
_  
"WHAT??"  
  
"It's only morning practice!"  
  
"Buchoouu..."  
  
"Ssss..."  
  
"THIRTY!"  
  
He suppressed the strong urge to bend over to shake the confetti pieces violently out of his hair. But, Tezuka being Tezuka, he settled for calmly removing them with his hand, sweeping the top of his head briskly and efficiently.  
  
Watching in mild satisfaction as the members of the Seigaku tennis club shuffled off, mumbling and groaning, Tezuka managed to push his way into the now evacuated clubhouse, tugging off his school jacket in the process. Just as he was about to place it in his cubicle, something brightly colored caught the corner of his eye.  
  
There, right in the on the bench in the far corner of the room, was a mini-mountain of birthday presents. It looked like a child's Christmas wish come true.  
  
Tezuka fought down a smile that threatened to surface. It wasn't as if he hadn't received birthday presents before, just... not in such large quantities. Considering that he hadn't even remembered his own birthday (sourly recalling his scalded crotch in the process), he was, quite frankly, amazed at the fact that others had bothered to remember it for him.  
  
Tezuka was touched – no, that wasn't the word, he never really had much emotion to begin with – Comforted? Happy? Fortunate? He couldn't decide.  
  
Maybe it was better to leave it that way.  
  
---  
  
Tezuka was glad that he wasn't running laps with the rest of the team.  
  
For one thing, the initial pain in his crotch had receded to a dull throb, but it still hurt when he walked too quickly, and when there was too much friction, and when the author has too vivid an imagination, so I'll just shut up now.  
  
He watched stonily as the regulars took the clear lead in the running, Momoshiro and Kaidoh battling each other for the first place again. Or maybe it was the Inui juice, hard to say.  
  
"Not running, captain?" Ryuuzaki-sensei's voice interrupted his train of thoughts. Positioning herself next to him, her eyes followed the runners as they entered the final lap.  
  
Tezuka's face remained devoid of expression. "I'm feeling a little under the weather."  
  
"A shame, to be ill on your birthday."  
  
"... Indeed."  
  
Ryuuzaki grinned and gave Tezuka a conspirational wink. "In that case, I'll give you a little warning in advance – sprint home right after practice is over."  
  
Tezuka did not like the look she was giving him. It was cheerful as always, but something about the way her cheek muscle was twitching underneath that mask screamed "DANGER! DANGER!" in glaring neon lights.  
  
"Nee... Ryuuzaki-san, you wouldn't happen to be telling about the _surprise_ we have for Buchou, would you?" Kikumaru asked accusingly, as the runners finally halted in a panting group before the coach and captain.  
  
Ryuuzaki chuckled airily. "Of course not," she said, casting a surreptitious sideways glance at Tezuka. Good luck, her eyes seemed to imply wryly in private, before resuming her normal businesslike demeanor. "Clean up! The bell's about to ring!"  
  
Tezuka Kunimitsu didn't know the battle he was in for.  
  
---  
  
Tezuka tried. Really, he did. Or perhaps he just wasn't made for stealth, because his one attempt of escaping into the bathroom had resulted in his opening the restroom door to reveal the entire Regular team waiting impatiently for him.  
  
"What took you so long, Buchou? We though you had died in there!" Momoshiro laughed. "Did'ya have a stomachache or something?"  
  
Tezuka remained impassively silent.  
  
"Well, let's go then," Oishi finally said, breaking the awkward silence. "I hope you're ready to eat, Tezuka."  
  
"It's a short walk," Kawamura assured him. "Less than two streets away from our school."  
  
Tezuka eyed the hefty paper bag Kawamura was carrying over his shoulder. "What's that?"  
  
Kawamura scratched his head. "Your presents, of course."  
  
"Don't even think about sneaking off to open them nyaa!" Kikumaru exclaimed. "You can't! That's cheating!"  
  
"..."  
  
When they finally arrived at the designated location, Tezuka found himself being ushered into a lounge-like area.  
  
"Wait right here," was all he heard as the room was plunged into darkness. The stoic captain could only wait patiently until he heard scuffling and muttering from outside the door. Bracing himself for any possible gag attacks, he tensed in his seat slightly, feeling the adrenaline pump through his body. The door opened, to reveal...  
  
All of the Regulars, with Inui holding a humongous cream cake topped with chocolate icing right in the middle, had started singing him a birthday song (Kaidoh was off-key, Tezuka noted painfully), filing into the room, with only the lights from the small birthday candles illuminating the spacious lounge.  
  
It was... he had to admit, _touching_.  
  
That was, of course, before Momoshiro decided to trip over a stray cushion on the floor. He sprawled over onto the ground in an ungainly manner, groaning, and Inui, whose anterior vision was blocked by the giant cake he was balancing, promptly fell over Momo's legs, releasing the cake as he did so.  
  
Everyone could only watch in morbid fascination, as the cake began it's graceful arc forward, Matrix style. Tezuka was frozen in this seat.  
  
_SPLAT_, went the cake, as it hit its intended target.  
  
Tezuka was sure, that if not for his magnificent self-control, he would have lost it entirely. But that wasn't his primary concern, as he stared in muted horror downwards.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Kawamura was the first to react. "Buchou's pants are on fire!"  
  
For indeed, despite the fact that the cake had somehow messily smeared itself over his school jacket, a stray candle had managed to ignite Tezuka's bottom half. In _that _region.  
  
A shell-shocked Tezuka could only watch on in a daze as complete chaos erupted. "Waterwaterwaterwater!" Kikumaru was screaming, running around like a headless chicken and flailing helplessly. Oishi, Fuji, and Kawamura were frantically scouring the room for liquids. Kaidoh had frozen on the spot, mouth opening and closing, bearing a strong resemblance to a beached fish. And Ryoma was laughing.  
  
_The insufferable bastard.  
_  
On instinct, Tezuka was about reach out to pat the flames out, but Inui was faster. He managed to douse the contents of his entire tubful of Inui's Special Remix Juice on Tezuka, soaking him in smelly green muck.  
  
A pregnant pause followed.  
  
"Too bad," Inui said drily, looking vaguely morose. "Those were our party refreshments."  
  
---  
  
I_ look like a Marsh Swamp Monster_, Tezuka thought bleakly, as he caught sight of himself in a hall mirror. His front was completely covered in green slime, with traces of cake remains clinging to his jacket. And of course, not forgetting the charred front of his pants. He was a wreck.  
  
Sighing, Tezuka trudged up the stairs, paper bag of unopened presents slung over his shoulder. _Things never seem to go smoothly..._  
  
Right after Tezuka's pants had been extinguished along with his dignity, he had decided to end the party right then and there. To the dismay of most of the Regulars, he couldn't get out of the room fast enough, pushing his way through stonily, breaking into a half-jog as he entered the busy streets.  
  
Ignoring the shouts of "Tezuka!" from behind him, he continued striding forward in the direction of his neighbourhood Only to be halted suddenly by Kikumaru's palm, which had clapped down on his shoulder.  
  
It took a while for the acrobatics player to regain his breath. "Buchou..." he began, then grimaced as he realized what his palm was resting on. Inedible Inui-goo. He hastily removed his hand and wiped it on the fabric of his pants.  
  
Finally, he looked up. "Are you mad?"  
  
Considering his appearance seemed to be scaring quite a few of the other pedestrians, Tezuka fought down the urge to sigh. "I'm fine."  
  
"I'm sure he just needs time to clean up." There was no mistaking that voice. Tezuka didn't have to turn around to know who it was.  
  
"Fuji!" Kikumaru exclaimed. He peered around the tennis prodigy's thin frame. "Where are the others, nya?"  
  
"They had to stay back to clean up." There was the slightest hint of amusement in his voice. "The manager threatened disembowelment if they decided to flee." He flashed his infamous smile at Kikumaru. "Oishi's looking for you, by the way."  
  
"Really? I'll better go back then," Kikumaru said anxiously. "Make sure buchou gets back safely, Fuji!" With a final wave and an apologetic smile in Tezuka's direction, he bade a hasty retreat, and disappeared into the milling crowd.  
  
Tezuka stared after him for a moment. "You're evil, Fuji."  
  
Fuji laughed wickedly. "I know." He held out the paper bag. "You forgot something."  
  
There was a slight pause, before Tezuka accepted it and slung it easily over his shoulder. He turned around wordlessly to continue on his walk home, ignoring Fuji completely.  
  
The tensai wasn't fazed. "It was mortifying, wasn't it?" he asked after a while, falling into Tezuka's brisk pace next to him. "With the cake and all..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Maa... well, it certainly didn't end up as we had expected. We even had a piñata ready after the cake ceremony."  
  
"... You're kidding."  
  
"Nope. It was Kaidoh's idea."  
  
Tezuka's mind was whirling. _Kaidoh? A piñata?_ The words didn't seem to connect at all.  
  
Fuji laughed again. "And after that, Oishi suggested we drag you over to the courts to take a group photograph." He sobered slightly, cerulean eyes looking thoughtful. "I knew you probably wouldn't go for it though, it just isn't -"  
  
"I appreciate it."  
  
Fuji seemed to be taken aback from his statement, hiding a smile of his own after he recovered. The two boys walked in companiable silence through the winding roads of Tezuka's quiet neighbourhood.  
  
"I'm glad," Fuji said suddenly. "You should probably thank them in person though, I'm sure they'd feel a lot better. Especially Momoshiro. He looked devastated about the accident."  
  
"I'm making him run two hundred laps on Monday."  
  
"Always the joker, Tezuka." It was only when the words came out that Fuji realized... how _wrong_ that sounded. Squinting at Tezuka's poker-faced expression, he came up with the only logical conclusion. "You're not joking."  
  
"I never joke."  
  
"Hmm. I realized."  
  
Tezuka halted suddenly as they finally arrived before his house. Reaching into his pocket to pull out his keys, he gave Fuji a brief nod before placing it into the keyhole of the gate to unlock it. He was about to close his door when Fuji's voice rang out from behind him.  
  
"Happy birthday, Tezuka." There was no malice or mockery in his tone, only sincerity. Tezuka paused at his doorway, before turning to see Fuji walking away.  
  
"Thank you." His voice was just loud enough for the other boy to hear. Fuji stopped in his tracks and lifted a hand in acknowledgement, before continuing on his way.  
  
Maybe the day wasn't so bad after all.  
  
---  
  
After a through shower, Tezuka sat down at his desk, a towel draped over his shoulders as he idly flicked through a few pages of his history textbook. Stretching slightly, his eyes rested on the bag sitting harmlessly in a corner of his room._ Might as well...  
_  
Placing the bag of presents at his feet gingerly, he reached into it to pull out the first one. It was cylindrical... and heavy. Upon unwrapping it, he realized that it was a large jar of his favourite brand of imported tea, complete with a small birthday note from Inui. Unscrewing the lid warily, he took a few experimental sniffs, as if to detect any _extra_ ingredients that Inui might have added out of generosity.  
  
Convinced that it was untampered with, he moved on to the next one. A pair of new MIZUNO tennis shoes from Momoshiro and Kaidoh (an odd combination). A new racket-case courtesy of Oishi. A DIY sushi cookbook from Kawamura. And, oddly enough, a wool sweater from Fuji. Kikumaru's was the quirkiest. It was a tube of his favourite brand of toothpaste ("So you can smile more often!"). Which left one. Ryoma's.  
  
Tezuka stared at the wrapped present perched innocently at the edge of his table. Reaching over slowly, he experimentally shook it around. It felt like a very heavy book. Cautiously peeling off the red wrapper, Tezuka finally flipped the thick book over to read the title.  
  
"Conversations 101: The Ultimate Guide for the Socially and Verbally Challenged..."  
  
Maybe it was the shock, or the stress of the entire traumatizing day acting on his frazzled nerves. Either way, he dropped the book into his lap. All seven hundred and ninety five pages of it.  
  
As he crouched on the floor in agonizing pain, only a single thought was formulated through the haze of aching convulsion.  
  
_I'll kill that little bastard if it's the last thing I do!_  
  
**-fin-**

**Author's note: Characterizing Tezuka was a little hard, but I had fun with all the Tezuka-torture :)**

**Reviews would be much appreciated. Thanks!**


End file.
